The New Django/Coltrane Knows What It Is
These are two episodes on Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "Tonight" by Django and "Black and Yellow" by Coltrane. The first song is VERY inappropriate and Coltrane's song insults the entire wiki. Memorable Quotes in "The New Django" Carl: We've got a bad one tonight, folks. Django: (starts singing "Tonight") Carl: Oh, boy, do we ever. I know reviewing bad songs is my thing, but something like this only comes along every two years. All I ever do is bash bad music, but I don't even know if I can bash this one, 'cause at one point, you just run out of hatred. There's just no point anymore. Carl: I wasn't even angry when I first heard this. The first time I heard it, I laughed. And this wasn't a "it's so bad, it's good" laugh. It was a bitter, "I give up" laugh. This (bleep) just keeps getting worse and worse. Carl: No one ever listens to me, because if they did, we would have gotten rid of Django Brown a long time ago. Django: (sings "Bailamos" by Enrique Iglesias) Carl: Django Brown is the definition of a singer with no charisma and no star power. The only reason he made it through the late 90s' Latin music craze because he was the singer with the least personality, so it made things easier for him. The only interesting thing about the guy is his art, and he doesn't even do that anymore, so I don't need to see why we need this guy around. Carl: I actually thought we had gotten rid of Django, but last year, his Phineas-style dance hit came out, and he was no longer a quivering, romantic artist. Now he can collaborate with idiots like Buford! Come to think of it, I think the new song was INSPIRED by Buford. (the beat to "Tonight" plays) (the beat to "I Know You Want Me" plays) Django: I know you want me, I made it obvious that I want you too.... Buford: I know you want me, you know I want ya.... Django: (singing) I know you want me, I made it obvious that I want you, too, so put it on me.... Carl: (sighs in annoyance) "Put it on me"..............No, it gets better. Django: You know my motivation given my reputation, please excuse me, I don't need to be rude, but tonight I'm lovin' you, oh, you know, that tonight I'm lovin' you..... Carl:...............Would you like to hear the uncensored version? Django: But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you, oh, you know, that tonight I'm (bleep)ing you.... Carl:.....This is not a song. Carl: Even the most abysmal, worthless songs I've heard in this genre are better than Django's. Coltrane: (bleep) yousa sexy (bleep), a sexy (bleep)... Carl: Say what you want about that, at least it's a compliment! Coltrane: You see me looking and you already know I wanna (bleep) you... Carl: Say what you want about that, at least it's a request! Irving: Call me Mr. Flintstone, I can make your bed rock... Carl: This makes "Bedrock" look like a Shakespearian love sonnet! Carl: Django does try to compliment the girl, but in the dumbest way possible. Django: You're so (bleep) pretty, if I had a type, then baby, it would be you.... Carl: Or in other words, "you're not my type". Django: I know you're ready, if I never lied, then baby you'd be the truth... Carl:.....What? Django: If I never lied, then baby you'd be the truth... Carl: ....Is this some kind of "zen" thing? What the (bleep) did that mean? THERE IS NO WAY THAT I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND THE LYRICS OF A SONG TITLED "TONIGHT I'M (BLEEP)ING YOU!" Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there are guys who are so manly and they can tell their newest love interest that stuff is going to happen and it happens.......I feel confident saying that that person is not Django. Django: (singing) Would you cry, if you saw me crying.... Carl: I'm not saying that Django's not an attractive guy, I'm sure without all the fame and money he could get more girls than I ever would, but this, (shows Django singing "Tonight") this is not who Django is. When Coltrane does this, it's awful, painfully awful, but you can't really get mad at him, he's Coltrane, that's what he does. Not Django. Django has always been the smooth, Latin lover kind of guy, like (in a Spanish accent) "I shall teach you ze ways of romance", you know, THIS! (shows a picture of Jeremy giving flowers to Candace) Not THIS! (shows a picture of Ferb making a suggestive face) Carl: I think I lost the ability to think that Django could pull this off when the song opened with his willowy falsetto cooing delicately like the lonesome whipper will flowing through the countryside. Django: (sings the beginning of the song) Carl: Yes, when Django starts yodeling through his nostrils, the girls swoon. Carl: (in reference to Django) Let's hear what Django had to say about this song. (takes out papers and starts reading) Django says, "It's what many guys and girls are thinking at times, but don't have the guts to say it".....Django, there's a reason why I don't say "tonight I'm (bleep)ing you" to every girl I like. And it's not because I don't have the guts. Seriously, WERE YOU BORN IN THE WILD, DJANGO!? Society DOES have rules, you know. (a picture of a toilet pops up) This is a toilet. We do our business in there. (a picture of Katie pops up) This is a girl. Say hi. Shake her hand. Don't fling your (bleep) at her. Carl: Oh yeah, Phineas does a guest verse on here. Look, I love Phineas. I listen to Phineas all the time. I can't hate on him. But seriously, he's on EVERY song! If you record a song in your basement and send it to Facebook, it will have Phineas there by the time it uploads. He was on a FERB FLETCHER song. Why? What does he have to do with Ferb Fletcher? Nothing. He was just on it because he's on everything. My keyboard comes with a "Phineas" setting on it. (presses a random key on his piano) Phineas' voice: Phinny! Carl: (presses the same key) Phineas' voice: Phinny! Carl: (presses another key) Phineas' voice: Move, (bleep) Phineas: (rapping) And I love the way you shake that (bleep), turn around and let me see them pants.... Carl: (sarcastically) Those are some nice fitting pants! They look really good on you! Where did you get them? Phineas: (rapping) Please excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but.... Carl: (sarcastically) Where's my paycheck? Thank you, thank you, have fun with your song, Ferb Fletcher, or whoever this song belongs to. Have a nice day. Carl: I don't like how songs have the F-bomb right in the chorus. Albert: (singing) I see you driving downtown with the girl I love, and I'm like, (bleep) you.... Carl: Well, except that. Wait a minute! Albert has to rely on "Glee" to fight his way into the top ten, but Django's pile of (bleep) gets in there with no problem!? Oh, this world. Carl: It would be one thing if Django was trying to be clever or funny, like Albert. But it's not even that! It would be better if he was trying to be cheaply provacative, but it's not shocking, it's just depressing. It's a sad commentary that this song, being one of the worst that I've ever heard, is somehow less stupid than most of the songs I review. Tonight he's (bleep)ing you. And on behalf of music listeners everywhere, I agree that after hearing this song, we are all pretty much (bleep)ed. Thanks for that, Django. Django: But tonight I'm (bleep)ing you... Phineas: Can we change the station? (episode ends) Memorable Quotes in "Coltrane Knows What It Is" Carl: The guy who sings this is named "Coltrane". What do I know about him? Well, I know that if he hasn't used the line "Nobody beats the Coltrane" in a song, I'll be extremely disappointed. Other than that, I don't know a clue about him. He doesn't seem to realize that, though. Coltrane: Yeah, uh-huh-huh, you know what it is... Carl: ...I do? Coltrane: Yeah, uh-huh-huh, you know what it is, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow... Carl: No, I DON'T know what it is. And I don't know who you are, or what's black and yellow supposed to mean. Coltrane: Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.... Carl:......They're colors, I guess? Carl: (talking about Coltrane's song) So your car is black and yellow. Who cares? Why would you write an entire song about this? The only reason why anyone would care about your black and yellow car is because....(realizes something) ......Wait a minute... (a scene where Irving is smashing a black and yellow car pops up. Suddenly, the car transforms into the yellow Autobot) Carl: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Actually, that's not the case. One Transformers song was bad enough. Carl: I hate to break it to you, Coltrane....(laughs) Coltrane.... (says seriously) I hate to break it to you, Coltrane, but no one cares about P&F Fanon Wiki. Have you ever heard of a single song about P&F Fanon? No. People write songs about canon wikis, musical singer wikis, random wikis, not roleplaying wikis, not troll wikis, and definitely not fanon wikis. Carl: Not that I've been to the wiki before. Maybe I should talk to someone about it before I judge it. Now, who should I call? (takes out phonebook) StacyFan? I've never heard of this guy, but it's worth a shot. (dials Gurgy's number) Gurgy: Hello? Carl: Hi, Gurgy. You go on the P&F Fanon wiki. What are your thoughts about it? Gurgy: The P&F Fanon wiki, eh. Well, first, there are too many Stacy hoggers on this wiki! Carl: ......okay? Gurgy: And they pair Stacy with the worst OCs I have EVER seen! Carl: Um... Gurgy: And these Stacy shipping wars! I am sick of them! Some weirdos even paired her up with YOU! Carl: Well, Gurgy, the Stacy part isn't that bad, but... Gurgy: STACY BELONGS TO ME! AND ONLY ME! (starts ranting about how no one else except for him can be with Stacy) Carl: Okay, I am going to hang up now. Gurgy: (continues ranting about gibberish) Carl: (hangs up) Gurgy: And another thi---hello? Carl: Geez..that was harsh. I kinda feel bad now. The P&F Fanon Wiki isn't that bad. You know which wiki sucks? Mine. (a picture of the home page of the "Carl Has No Life" wiki pops up) At least P&F Fanon has a lot of users. You know what, I don't have the right to judge the wiki. You know what, Coltrane, go on and defend your website! Coltrane: (raps) Soon as I hit the club, see that (bleep)'s face, hit the pedal once, hear the floor shake.... Carl:..........Uh-huh....... Coltrane: I let her get (bleep), she want and she feel that, convertible drop fill, '87 and the top peel back... Carl: Uh-huh..... Coltrane: Got a pocket full of big faces, throw it up 'cause everybody that I'm with tailored... Carl: ..................This doesn't have a (bleep) thing to do with the wiki, does it? You know what, I'm sorry, but the whole song is about the wiki. The whole chorus is about the wiki. The whole music video is about the wiki, and yet, he can't even think of one thing to say about the wiki itself!? Wow, P&F Fanon must suck. Way to represent it, Coltrane. No wonder I couldn't figure out what "black and yellow" meant. But it must mean that Coltrane has money, cars, and (bleep)s. That's right. He talks about the things other rappers don't have THE BALLS to. Carl: Well, actually, other rappers do talk about the things Coltrane talks about, but he distinguishes himself as not being very good at rapping. Coltrane: Hear them haters talk, but there's nothing you can tell 'em.... Carl: ...Shouldn't there be? You're not even going to try to flip off the haters? Heck, you're a rapper, that's your entire job! Coltrane: Got a call from my jeweler, this just in, and women love me cause I'm messing with their best friends... Carl: What? How does that make any sense? Why would your girl be happy if your messing with her best------, oh, I get it. That's what she's into, eh? I guess she wants some extra company, some girl-on-girl time. Heck yeah, you lucky son of a... Coltrane: Not a lesbian... Carl:....Huh..That whole line is just...awkward. And it comes off as mildly defensive, like "Dude, my girl's hot! She doesn't have deadly diseases!" Carl: We have run out of good ways to brag about being rich. Now all we have is stupidity like this. Coltrane: So many rocks up in my watch, I can't tell what the time is.... Carl: Then it's a bad watch. You sure you wanna walk around bragging about a broken, useless watch? How much do you wanna bet that this guy's fancy car that's he keeps talking about doesn't have tires. Oh, and speaking of his car.... Coltrane: No love for 'em boy breaking hearts, no keys, push to start.... Carl: Key-less, huh? Got that, everybody? His car is flashy, expensive, and easy to steal. Coltrane: (rapping) Stay fly like... Carl: A G6? Coltrane: ....I'm supposed to do.... Carl: Oh. Sorry, carry on. Coltrane: And my car look unapproachable... Carl: ........... Coltrane: And my car look unapproachable... Carl: ........(plays the "Finish the Rhyme" music on his piano) I'm not even going to play this time. I'm seriously not because there's no point. I already know what's going to happen. There's nothing that rhymes with that. What's he gonna rhyme with that? Poachable? Coachable? No, he's either gonna rhyme it with itself or come up with some horrible forced rhyme that doesn't work. So let's hear it......Come on.....Rhyme this (bleep)! Coltrane: And my car look unapproachable, super clean but its super mean, she want to ride with them cats, count stacks, get fly, take trips and that's that... Carl: .......(starts clapping angrily) Bravo, sir, bravo! Didn't even try! I didn't even consider that a possibility. Abandon the rhyme scheme completely. Clogged toilets have better flow than this guy. Coltrane: Yeah, uh-huh-uh, you know what it is, you already know what it is, man, and if you don't you should by now... Carl: (angrily) Yeah, I should, considering that you've said "black and yellow" over fifty times in the song. This guy was supposed to be a new and upcoming rapper, but I don't see it. I just see a boring Ferb ripoff. The catchy hook is doing all the work for him 'cause he doesn't have a single noteworthy line and he doesn't have a compelling delivery. Carl: I don't think this wiki needs a money, cash, (bleep)s anthem. You know which songs SHOULD be made about the wiki? Fossy and Nan: (start rapping about their OCs) Carl: I'm Carl the Intern and I listen to it so you don't have to, and I'm out. (episode ends with Fossy and Nan rapping) Trivia *The songs were.....not good *The creator doesn't know what it is. *Carl hates the Transformers movies. *There are Stacy shipping wars, since she is paired up with about four different guys *The creator's brother liked "Black and Yellow". Clearly, there is something wrong with him Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Fanon Works Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes Category:Songs sung by Coltrane Category:Songs sung by Django Brown Category:Reviews